I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
