I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
