when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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