i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
