i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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