I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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