i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
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Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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