i permit you to call me
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
