Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
