i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
