In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
