Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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