I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
