so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
