FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
