hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
