i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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