i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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