Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
