Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
This is not my ceiling
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize