so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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