My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
