the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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