You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
