About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
