I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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