you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
