guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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