mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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