i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
