he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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