eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He? As in you personified your dick?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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