his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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