I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..