fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
