READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
