Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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