theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
