We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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