do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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