No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i just sent this text using only my big toe
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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