my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
