I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
