wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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