Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So much rum. So many feels.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
