The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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