Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
