Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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