Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
