Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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