My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
