Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
