I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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